I read a Jodi Picoult book called Mercy, and it was about a man who killed his wife because she was suffering from breast cancer. Throughout the whole book, Picoult kept making a description of how when someone is in a relationship, it is never balanced; there is always someone who will love his or her partner more.
I couldn't finish the book. I couldn't even get halfway through the book.
I realized that I am that person. In every relationship I have been in, I have always (willingly) given more. I have loved more and I have forgiven more. And consequently, I have been hurt more. Sometimes I feel like as if my kindness for others is killing me. I always try to see the best in others, always.
It feels like I'll never find a person that will love me more than I love him. And no, I refuse to look to God. I used to be a devoted Christian, which ended me to feel more empty than before.
I also find the title of my blog ironic, because love is all you need. But I am in a constant search for love that seems like it has no end. I have been hurt by more people in this past semester than I have before in my whole life.
Two people that I love, dearly, have gotten over me. One of these "men" (if that's what you choose to call them) told me that he was in love with some other girl, and that he couldn't love me as much as he loved her. But, on the other hand, that girl doesn't love him. He loves her like I love him, yet he gets nothing in return. Oh, and by the way, this is after about a month of leading me on; exposing everything inside me and leaving me vulnerable.
The other, writes songs about girls so beautiful (yet so skanky) that I could never be. Yet I was with him for 9 months, tried to have a great relationship to him; yet, he kept running to those girls that I could never be.
Ouch.
Do I just do this to myself? Whenever I am in a relationship (which none of the ones I have been in were bad), I always try to hold on because I always think to myself "what if I were to end it, and I would have missed out on something great? What if I were to find something out about myself?"
What if I have missed out on life by shutting myself away from others? What am I doing to myself? I feel as if I'm slowly dying inside, as if there is no way out.
Help?
2 comments:
Megan,
this makes me very sad. just so you know, i am always there for you no matter what. if you need to talk or anything just call me. and i know you feel really alone, but, trust me, A LOT of girls are going through the same thing, thinking the same thoughts. Hayley and I literally had a conversation like this just last night. it will get better and i promise that one day you will find someone great for you who loves you more than you could possibly love him. just don't give up hope and NEVER blame yourself. i've been there and it just makes everything worse. the guys in your post sound like assholes to me, and it is definitely their fault. they don't deserve you. i love you :)
I'm interested to know what happened in your relationship with God that caused you to feel more empty, b/c that kind of happened to me before; it may not be the same in your case, but for me, it was more my own thinking than anything that caused me to feel more empty, and now that i've changed my thinking, everything else has changed. but that's just my personal experience.
I think you just have had some bad luck in choosing guys. You deserve way more respect than that, and deep down, you know it, but it's hard to portray on the outside. You need to demand better for yourself, or you will never find that better person. If you believe you can find them, I really think you will. I used to feel the same way; I was so self-concious, I thought no one would ever see me the way that I now know I deserve.
It's hard for me to explain this, but if you ever need to talk, call me and we will meet up. I MISS YOU so we need to chat soon anyway!!!
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