I'm searching.

At the moment, I am searching for happiness. I feel like I try to turn for a lot of things to find happiness (and fufillment), and I find nothing. I feel as if I'm drowning in my own pool of self pity and loathing. As of right now, I feel like I will never find someone that will love me.

I read a Jodi Picoult book called Mercy, and it was about a man who killed his wife because she was suffering from breast cancer. Throughout the whole book, Picoult kept making a description of how when someone is in a relationship, it is never balanced; there is always someone who will love his or her partner more.

I couldn't finish the book. I couldn't even get halfway through the book.

I realized that I am that person. In every relationship I have been in, I have always (willingly) given more. I have loved more and I have forgiven more. And consequently, I have been hurt more. Sometimes I feel like as if my kindness for others is killing me. I always try to see the best in others, always. 

It feels like I'll never find a person that will love me more than I love him. And no, I refuse to look to God. I used to be a devoted Christian, which ended me to feel more empty than before. 

I also find the title of my blog ironic, because love is all you need. But I am in a constant search for love that seems like it has no end. I have been hurt by more people in this past semester than I have before in my whole life.

Two people that I love, dearly, have gotten over me. One of these "men" (if that's what you choose to call them) told me that he was in love with some other girl, and that he couldn't love me as much as he loved her. But, on the other hand, that girl doesn't love him. He loves her like I love him, yet he gets nothing in return. Oh, and by the way, this is after about a month of leading me on; exposing everything inside me and leaving me vulnerable. 

The other, writes songs about girls so beautiful (yet so skanky) that I could never be. Yet I was with him for 9 months, tried to have a great relationship to him; yet, he kept running to those girls that I could never be.

Ouch. 

Do I just do this to myself? Whenever I am in a relationship (which none of the ones I have been in were bad), I always try to hold on because I always think to myself "what if I were to end it, and I would have missed out on something great? What if I were to find something out about myself?" 

What if I have missed out on life by shutting myself away from others? What am I doing to myself? I feel as if I'm slowly dying inside, as if there is no way out.

Help?

Talullah, the transvestite fish.

I figured out today that my betta fish, Talullah is a boy. Not only am I upset that I now own a transvestite fish, but I feel extremely stupid. But I guess that makes me a more diverse person by embracing the questioning community? But I've been calling "her" a girl for almost 3 months, there is no way I am changing "her" awesome name to a gay (no pun intended, it's gay as in stupid) name like.. Fred or frank or something.

First picture: a female (left) and male betta fish together.

Second: "Talullah" in the flesh.

This is proof that "Talullah" is a male. But she is a very classy tranny. 

Fail.

One of the things that I struggle with in life is attempting to understand people, especially their reasoning behind their (most of the time rude, and stupid?) actions.

For instance, I had a roommate for about 3 months. When I first met her (before school started), she instantly proclaimed that she was a die-hard Christian, no sex till marriage, all that kind of stuff. While we were eating lunch, she suddenly says "I hope I don't die a virgin." 

Okay. 

Little do I know that she is OBSESSED with sex. She reads steamy romance novels made for middle aged women constantly. I certainly don't find that healthy. If you're that obsessed with sex, please find an outlet. Because getting a little action will feel much better than sitting in your room.

Another point, this chick never left her room. EVER. Every time I would walk into good ol 828, she'd always  be laying in bed, collecting unnecessary fat cells and watching BET, Disney Channel, or a mix of the two (a.k.a. Smart Guy). Sometimes I would say to myself, "I wonder what roommate is doing right now, I'd bet 10 dollars she's sitting, no wait, LAYING, on her ass watching BET." I'd walk in, and whoa. There she is! Right where I imagined! After three weeks of this nonsense, I got to the point were I was just so disgusted, I would pack my school stuff up and leave.

Reason why I was so disgusted: she has goals posted in her room. One of them: "Make new friends" how can you make new friends by sitting in your room all day? Anyone?

But, as I am now regressing my thoughts to my final weeks of having this atrocious roommate, I learned that she was talking about me. Not just ABOUT me, but about how annoying I was. Hold up. What? I was rarely in the room, how is that annoying? Is it the fact that I have friends? Is it the fact that I told her we have NOTHING in common? Wait a second, is this what Christians even do? 

Whatever, I'm out of that skanky room. I have an awesome roommate who I actually talk to. We go to parties together, we have the same friends, and we have the same major. 

Here's my advice: Don't go potluck. Well wait, DO go potluck. Because I probably wouldn't have met my current roommate without this stupid ex-roommate situation. But, if you do happen to go potluck and have a weird feeling about him or her, please evacuate the situation immediately. It will save you a lot of hardship in the long run. 

Thank you Kelly Cosby for talking me into getting a blog. I can tell it is going to be a lifesaver :]